Our heart says NO this time. But it’s not easy to let out. We’re very good-hearted to say no forthright. Especially for introverts who are reading this, I totally get you, bro.
Would you do it for me? YES
I love your idea. But, would you tweak a little bit there? YES, why not
Do you know this new tech everyone is talking about? YES, of course
Have you watched this latest series on Netflix that is buzzing the internet? YEAH
Have you? YES
Do you? YES
Would you? YES
Whenever someone asks these questions, this is how many people’s minds scream inside. I know as I was one among them too!
“No, I haven’t. I don’t. I wouldn’t”
From picking a restaurant to making that jump in your career or relationship, do you always consider your answer not hurting the opposite person? (You can say YES to this if…). If yes, have you ever tried to change that once? Then suffer a sudden backlash from the same people to whom you said yes always in the past?
Those thousand yeses don’t matter. This single no is very huge. Maybe that’s how this world works. Whatever good you do, it’s alright. They agree with you; appreciate you.
But when you do one bad thing or an unknown mistake, it’s not at all allowed. Everyone points at you. Shouting your flaws to you. In no time, your strangers know you for your notoriety.
This is the exact reason why you should embrace NO bravely.
Be selfish sometimes. After all, it’s your game in the field of life. Saying no is essential so people don’t register you as a pushover. If you rooted this at the beginning, they might respect your interests. Perhaps, know your reactions beforehand.
I know. All you’re asking is HOW? It’s a very and the most difficult thing to practise.
Saying No. I don’t know why I consider everything as an art. But yes, saying no is again an art. (For a girl who thinks life itself an art, of course)
I thought of a few best practices that I tried and found in my little journey. Here it goes.
Three tips to remember while embracing no!
1. Choose love over fear:
We all think that if we say no to anything, then we may get left behind. People will think of us as weak, incompetent, and unconfident. That might be true but to be honest, nobody cares. Even if they care, that doesn’t matter.
Scaring for someone who you don’t even know, let it be a colleague or a relative, or even your crush (sorry not sorry); making some big decision based on external intentions that may or may not affect you; that total yes based on only your fear is the biggest mistake anybody could make.
So, the first tip is whenever you are facing a yes or no question, analyse if this is something you would manage with love or fear. Make sure your yes is always out of love.
Remember choosing fear is like wearing a coward shield for your inner soul. Fear comes very easily but I know your love is also waiting for you at the same point. Maybe with some hurdles in the path but wave back to it this time.
Bottom line: Always go for something you love and say ‘Yes’ to it. If not, straight away go for ‘No’. It might hurt your image outside and that’s so much better than all the hurt you go through inside.
Spoiler alert: Fear will not let you win easily. It has a strong foot in the war. It knows where to attack to make you weak and fall for it.
Backstory: I understood this theory on love and fear through Jim Carrey’s speech on the same. What a speech it was…
2. Know yourself better
“Yes I can do that but I am not sure”
This is my go-to thought for things with more responsibilities. I would promptly say yes to the question, but I don’t know if I am up for it. However, I would end up finishing whatever I agreed to. In such cases, “no” was not even in the picture.
How to solve this?
After a very long introspection, I understood a basic thing that is, I AM ACCOUNTABLE FOR ALL OF MY ACTIONS. Not the ones by whom I am surrounded with. This mindset is what everyone should be born with. The answer NO can enter your mind only if you allow it to.
For something already registered within you, it’s not possible to break and collapse your reflex responses e.g. Saying yes to everything is your innate nature; you can not overcome it without a handful of evidence. Our mind doesn’t work like that.
This is called AUTOPILOT. You would instantly do something and regret your action in hindsight is the symptom of autopilot. It’s not a disease only regret. You know it’s not right but… there will be a big but always.
The reason for your uncertainty is you don’t know yourself well enough. You make decisions without AWARENESS.
Here’s how you can go from autopilot to awareness. Try for about a month analyzing your behaviour or habits. To put it simply, your mere responses. Even for small actions you take or events that happen to you, note how you react.
Then find out the pattern where you’re giving YES in autopilot but in awareness (which is in the future) you think it should have been a NO.
Trace all the reasons, questions, and time intervals for your responses. One night, sit down and register your autopilot habits in mind one by one. Practise it continuously with patience. After a few months revisit your analysis, many doubtful YESes would have turned into strong NOs.
Additional tip: After knowing yourself better, be sure about it while executing. You will be tested so hard by time and people!! But you know your reactions better now. Leverage it to the extreme for utter satisfaction.
I have tried this and it really works. All the best to whoever is thinking of doing this.
Backstory: I got this theory from Mel Robins’ 5 seconds rule who is one of my favourite motivational speakers. She is nothing but full of sunshine!!
3. Celebrate NO days!!
Tumblr source
Though you know yourself much better, at the beginning there might be hell lot of hesitations to take the initiative. To put the right force. (Well, force Vs action is a separate topic, let’s stick only to action in this blog)
I heard you, you can ease your pain by trying NO DAY once a month. Rules are very simple. Do your daily routine as the other days, but today you would say no to all the important decisions you are making regardless of the influence it has over you.
It’s a predefined system for only NO. That’s how we celebrate no day. Say no to everything.
It’s not over yet!!
No day is not completed without your takeaway from it. This is the most important tradition to follow. At the end of the day, when you tuck yourself into bed, think about all your NOs carefully.
I can assure you, that there will be some NO for which you have regrets and some NO for which you have reliefs. Filter it wisely. Now stick that list somewhere you will be seeing often like in the mirror. Have a look at it daily and remember your regrets and reliefs.
There you go. You have started your journey in embracing NO. This also helps you to again know your inner self much better.
For the safer side, please choose a day where you would only make personal decisions not as a team or not on behalf of your friends or family. So that only you’re affected by the choice, not others.
This practice is somewhat easy.
Do you know why?
Because it’s predefined in your mind making it easy to remember your response.
To get a better understanding: You know how in our exams, we write answers to the questions which we know very well a bit faster compared to the ones which we have no idea?! Our mind gives priority to things that we already know. By leveraging this, you can own your mind. Simple, right?
Backstory: I found this theory while watching a movie called “Yes Day”
That’s my three favourite tips on how to embrace saying no. It’s damn difficult at the beginning but once your system is strong, your life is a love story.
BTW, if you want more help or clarity on this topic, read more related books and articles. Don’t forget to suggest me, if you already have one in mind.
Bye for now!
An avid storyteller who will never say no to a decent cup of tea and anything called SCRIPT!!
